Hell is Hotter Quotes Page

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

- Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Human beings, who are almost unique in the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

- Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"I'm going to steal this [line] and put it in another movie. Watch! It's going to pop up somewhere - Major League 5! Me and Chuck Sheen, and he's like, 'What, what is it?' and I'm like, 'Sometimes your paranoid, suspicious bullshit is amusing. Sometimes it's just fucking annoying as piss!' He's like, 'Where are the whores?'"

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

- Muhammad Ali

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"Don't fuck with me, a'ight, cause I'm the most dangerous man in this prison. You know why? Cause I control the underwear."

"If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them."

- Isaac Asimov

"You don't have to be a fireman to know that throwing gasoline on a fire won't put it out."

- Amelia Barker, in reference to the notion that only singers/songwriters can accurately critique music

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."

- Dave Barry

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

- Washington, D.C. mayor, Marion Barry

"I'm not a vegitarian because I love animals. I'm a vegitarian because I hate plants."

- A. Whitney Brown

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

- Winston Churchill

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indestinguishable from magic."

"In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is."

"It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."

- W. Edwards Deming

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, or the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

- Mahatma Gandhi

"Let's have some new cliches."

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"

"I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'"

"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'"

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?"

"I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, 'Hey, progress.' Boy, did I have a lot to learn."

"When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school, we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

"I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins."

- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

- Ernest Hemmingway

"Would you pick up some dogma at the store for me?"

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."

- Joel Hodgson

"Ho, ho, ho! Fuck you, Santa Claus! There's no Christmas for me!"

"We were just standing outside your door contemplating whether we should interview you or not. Not to be creepy or anything."

"I like to tell people I have the heart of a young boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk."

- Stephen King

"I like to eat jerky and pretend I'm Jack London."

"How can you overdose on pot? You'd have to eat a big fucking pot sandwich. A pot hoagie!"

- Lisa

"That would counteract the munchies."

- Carrie

"It's appropriate for them to laugh at him burping, but I can't laugh at him being in hell."

- Lisa, about the audience for The Human Body IMAX film

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, 'Oh my god. I could be eating a slow learner.'"

"Faith: not wanting to know what is true."

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

"That's why sitcoms aren't funny - they're afraid to cross the line. I couldn't laugh at 'Friends' if you fed me mescaline and tickled me."

- Jim Norton

"That's science, bitch! Eat it! Eat the science!"

- Brad Nugget

"My car needs a new windshield . . . I'm thinking of getting a tinted one with some writing at the top."

- Brad Nugget

"That would be pretty gay."

- Lisa

"I think it should say, "I'm tinted!"

- Brad Nugget

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

- "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I have hardly known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning."

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."

- Dan Rather

"I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J.D. Salinger

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

- George Bernard Shaw

"I have heard of an eastern monarch who once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence which would be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words, 'And this too shall pass away.'"

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

"A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums."

"As you grow older in your observation of the peoples of this Earth world, it becomes more noticeable that stupidity is the reigning virtue. The masses are always willing that somebody take the responsibility of caring for them."

- Paul Twitchell

"Math is a game with rules and no objectives."

"If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"We are not all capable of everything."

"A witty saying proves nothing."

"The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide."

"There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia."

- Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan

"The high school football players here [Elsinore, California] call themselves 'The Fighting Danes.' In the past three years they have won one game, tied two, and lost twenty-four. That's what happens, I guess, when Hamlet goes in as quarterback."

- Kurt Vonnegut's God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

"Let me note that I have never used semicolons. They don't do anything, don't suggest anything. They are transvestite hermaphrodites."

- Kurt Vonnegut

"We would be a lot safer if the government would take its money out of science and put it into astrology and the reading of palms. Only in superstition is there hope. If you want to become a friend of civilization, then become an enemy of the truth and a fanatic for harmless balderdash."

"Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom with nothing to say?"

"Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile."

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."

"Consistancy is the last resort of the unimaginative."

"The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."

"I hope we don't have to watch another 'Don't ask, don't tell' video."

- Sgt. Wilson

"When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic."

- Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."

- Steven Wright

"We could improve worldwide mental health if we acknowledged that parents can make you crazy."

- Frank Zappa

"Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read."

- Frank Zappa

"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff."